Why being an autism parent is akin to being a house elf!

In common with most autism parents the extent of my ‘social life’ is conducted through social media, most notably good old Facebook! Over the past couple of years I’ve made some fantastic friends who I view as surrogate family, we’ve laughed together, cried together, made plans to kidnap male hotties for our very own island getaway if one of us wins the lottery.……well, you get the idea! Today one of my surrogate sisters (and fellow matriarch of our group – don’t worry we keep the younger members in check….yeah, right, I think you all know me better than that by now!) posted one of the most hilarious (and true!) daily round ups I’ve ever read and she has very kindly agreed to let me share it with you Amazons.

So, without further ado I turn the page over to Mrs Dobbie, the house elf …

“Been wondering recently how I’m always exhausted and thought back to what I’ve done today.

6.30am rise and shine! Get The Queen of Sheba (ASD) up. Give her breakfast, then get her washed, clean her teeth, hair brushed, dressed etc.

7.20am she’s off to school. Yippee! Freedom! But first….put the washing on, have breakfast, have verbal intercourse with Mr Dobbie, even though I hate talking to ANYONE in the morning. Quick shower, get dressed for work. Hang washing out.

9.15am leave early as I have a 9.30 appointment with the case worker at Community Care. Lucky it’s in the same building as my work because at 10.20 I had to excuse myself or I’d be late for my shift. Further meeting organised for 9.30am next Monday.

10.28 signed into work. Remind myself not to make eye contact with any customers while I’m on the shop floor, therefore keeping verbal intercourse to a minimum!

1pm time for my 15 minute break. Yahoo! Me time! Oh, but first I have to go to the bank to ask them why they have deducted a $395 admin fee from my account. Have had to make an appointment to see my personal banker (WTF) on Wednesday.

1.20pm have gone over my official break time, but f@€k it I NEED A COFFEE. Am starving so decide to add a nutritious and healthy cream bun to my order.

1.25pm managed to stuff cream bun in my gob in two bites. Gulped the coffee down. Thankfully the barista doesn’t believe in making hot coffee so there was no chance of me scalding myself!

2.05pm Daughter Dobbie calls me with some drama or other. Have to be a bad mum and tell her I’m at work, the place I am at that time every Monday, but she never seems to remember that, so can’t talk to her. Promise to phone her back later on when I get home.

3.30pm knock off time! But first, better buy some groceries, after all I’m in the store anyway.

4.05pm Mr Dobbie calls me while I’m walking home, with 4 quite heavy bags. “Where are you? What’s taking you so long?”. Aww, bless his heart, he’s missing me. I’m hoping by this stage my pretties that you can all hear the sarcasm dripping from me!

4.15pm home sweet home, and if he dares even hint at the thought of a quick ‘naughty’ before the school bus arrives I will f@€king deck him!

4.30pm sitting on my a*$e having a cup of tea and a boiled egg on toast because a gal can’t get too much of the good life!

5pm well enough of being a lazy git. Time to run around like a blue a*$ed fly making sure everything is to the high standards expected of the Queen of Sheba.

5.20pm bring the washing in while Mr Dobbie puts the finishing touches to the queens nightly feast.

5.29pm there goes the school bus horn. No more shilly shallying. It’s all systems go now. She does a once over quick inspection while Mr and Mrs Dobbie anxiously wring their hands in fear of having misplaced something. All good and queenie allows herself to be enticed upstairs for a bath.

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6pm bath finished. No time wasters allowed in this house! Back downstairs for a scrummy calorie dense dinner provided by the ever subservient (but only to queenie) Mr Dobbie.

6.30pm the boss has taken herself off to her room. At last! That promised Me Time! Not so fast! Off to the kitchen to cook a huge batch of bolognese. While that’s cooking I decide to make Son Dobbie some corn fritters for his breakfast. Talk of the….in comes Son Dobbie who then proceeds to devour half the bolognese. Oh, and yes the fritters will do nicely for his breakfast. How do I know this? Because he also ate half of them!

7.50pm F@€k the dishes! I’m going to watch an episode of The Killing while working my way through a family bar of chocolate! I know how to show myself a good time!

8.05pm phone rings. Don’t answer, don’t answer, don’t answer. Too late! My melted chocolate covered fingers went onto autopilot and picked the f@€king phone up. Traitorous little b@$tards! F*€k me, it’s Daughter Dobbie! I truly am a despicable mother!

9.40pm unfortunately had to end call as battery on phone was ready to die.

9.41pm get Queen of Sheba’s clothes and schoolbag ready for the morning.

9.47pm that’s it! I’m calling it a day. Pass the kitchen on the way to the peace and sanctity of my bedroom. Kitchen looks like Ragnar and his gang have taken a wooden spoon to it. I’m very tempted, but decide I’ll only hate myself in the morning, so in I go to clean up the debris.

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10.25pm. I really need a shower. Nope! My ablutions consist of cleaning my teeth. That’s it! I’m done in!

10.30pm I think I’ll tell the girls all about my relaxing yet fun filled day ”

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